Rock&Roll Baby!

2012 is a time for new beginnings, out with the people who haven’t been there and trying to forgive others! Seeing my dad tonight for the first time in just under 3 years! Trying to forget everything that’s happened between us and turn over a new leaf!

Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave. - Indira Gandhi.

Starting a new way of thinking this year! More writing and studying and less time on holding grudges! Family are family at the end of the day and I want them in my life; even though sometimes they drive me crazy!

Today is the 6th year anniversary of my nan’s death. She was a truly inspirational woman and I miss her in my life everyday! I hope she is looking over us all and if she is, I hope she knows how much she meant to us as individuals and as a family. R.I.P

Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them - George Eliot.

Dilemma

Isle of Wight Festival with confirmed acts Pearl Jam and Tom Petty or Sonisphere with the rumours being Foo Fighters, Red Hot Chilli peppers, Blink 182 and Greenday! Fuck! Its like they want me to go to both! 

Starting my Cleanse tomorrow…Totally not looking forward to it but it must be done. 

16 days of water, maple syrup, lemon juice and cayenne pepper! It is going to be horrendous but I am hoping the final result is worth it! 

Beyonce better be right! I don’t eat nothing for nothing! 

I don’t think I have ever been as fuming and upset with somebody in all my life. He is supposed to be there for you no matter what, he is supposed to look after you when you need him and take care of you through thick and thin. Not my Dad.

He would rather go drinking with my friends, take care of them rather than message me with a simple how’re you?. 

I took it for while, didn’t mind being in the background constantly, even tried to get back in his life but I have been replaced it seems. 

All my life I have been trying make him proud, when I stayed strong through everything it was for him; all I kept thinking was one day he might just accept me. He might just show me that he loves me once. since I started to grow up maybe 10 or 12 he has not told me that he loves me once. A simple gesture but no. nothing.

Why am I so bothered then? If he actually ever read this he would just call me stupid and over-emotional.

I don’t want to see him everyday or interfere in this life because I have my own, that I happen to love. I am so sick of getting upset about nobody when have people in my life who mean everything to me. I keep telling myself that I am going to wipe my hands clean of him. Start afresh. How Can I do that to a person who is supposed to mean so much to me, Who is one of the reasons that I stand her today. 

I am in a great position in my life, I have a wonderful fiancée and amazing friends but I need him, like I have always needed him. It tears me apart to think that I will never have him because he doesn’t want me and he doesn’t need me back.